I have been working for nearly a decade now. Two companies, almost two years in the first one, and I'm on my 6th year here in my current office with only 2 or 3 months of unemployment in between. In case you're not familiar with what I do, I work as a designer in an architecture and interior design company. In our industry, regardless if we are designing residential houses, offices, commercial spaces, etc., all have something common. It's the flexibility and the long working hours needed to complete a certain project. In my previous job, I have experienced staying in the office for two-three days straight to finish a project presentation. But things are better where I am currently working, our company encourages maximizing our office hours instead of rendering overtime work. But as I have mentioned, our industry goes hand in hand with the need for extended work hours so there are days that I still need to stay a little longer just to get things done.
If you are unattached, single, in a relationship or even married without children, your time is pretty much your own. So working in the office until late at night or until the wee hours of the morning even, is really okay as long as you're able and and willing. But when you become a Mama, a baby enters the picture, then poof! Every second will count. Literally. And when the seconds add up to minutes, hours or even days for some, that's when the guilt starts. The guilt doubles up if you're coming home late not because of work, but because of some leisure time with your husband or with your friends. Trust me. I know how anxiety can get to you in the middle of a movie, or in the middle of a good conversation with your friends. It sneaks from below your spine up to the back of your neck. It will even give you goosebumps some times.
But here I am now, having a hot cup of hibiscus tea and a plate of sticky cinnamon bun while waiting for Mr. T to come off of work. I could have gone home earlier but since it's raining, traffic's bad for sure. I'm not that brave to commute at this time. Instead, I'm going to spend the next hour blogging and reading. Do I feel guilty? No.
Internet, hear me. I'm not guilty. Lol. :P
Ok, sometimes I still do feel guilty but not as much as before. And I know Mr. T has completely different views about this, he already knows that going home an hour or two later than usual is already ok. No need to beat ourselves up for it, just make the most out of it. After reading more about attachment parenting, I have come to realize that spending most (if not all) of my time and energy with and for my daughter brings no balance to my personal and our family life. I have to make time for my husband, myself and other things too. In order for me to do this, I needed to do some changes and I am sharing some of them to you.
#1. Acceptance.
I need to work. For the moment, we can't afford a single-income household yet. We are already blessed to be living in my in-laws' house and to be sharing with the bills and all, but we still need to work. I have heard and read advises about how you can live with a much simpler life, identifying needs versus wants. Yes, it is possible but that's not really for us. I'm not saying that we want to live a really grand life (but I really wouldn't mind having one. Lol), but we just want a comfortable and secure one. And for us to be able to do that, we need to be financially stable, like really really stable and sturdy. So cutting our household income in half is really not the best option for us right now.
More than the financial need, it is also for my personal sanity. :P I know I wouldn't know how it really feels like but when I get days off from work and just stay at home, as much as I love attending to my husband and my daughter's needs, I still feel the need to get other things going and functioning.
So when the guilt strikes during your extended work hours, just think of the pros more rather than the cons.
#2. Manage your expectations.
More like lower your expectations. This not only applies to yourself but also to the people around you as well. I didn't realize how much of an OC person I am, until I saw my daughter picking up shoes and slippers and putting them in the rack or making sure no clothes are loosely hanging on a hamper or aligning her dirty clothes hamper and her diaper pail and a lot more. I didn't even teach her these things but still she learned just because she saw me doing it. There were days when I couldn't for the life of me understand how simple instructions and schedules can be lost in translation. I get frustrated, I get exhausted. I am grateful for a husband that allows me to talk endlessly until I realize by myself what went wrong. Now I am managing better because I have lowered my expectations. Instead of tiring myself up from repeating instructions over and over again, I've put up a list and printed it on paper. This way, I only need to make small reminders every now and then.
Being perfect parents and being great parents are totally two different things. Dirty diapers, unkept clothes, insect bites and all those in between are really not much a big of a deal. Because at the end of each day, the most important thing is your baby's growing up healthy and happy.
#3. Be intentional.
Being intentional is being conscious with how you spend your time with your child and your family. There's really not much difference between you at work and you at home but working on your computers or talking on the phone or tinkering with your tablet. Physical presence should be accompanied with your purpose of just spending quality time with your child, playing, reading books and other activities that engage your child. But there should be thoughtfulness in doing that as well. You can sit down and watch your child but your mind can be elsewhere.
When Ava became a toddler, that's when we became more intentional as parents. I've realized that I've been taking less photos and videos of her. Instead I would just sit and watch her do stuff, I am there enjoying our moments.
The amount you spend with your child is not comparable with the quality you put into it.
#4. Delegate.
One of my struggles in life is delegating. Lol. Both at work and at home. I have a hard time asking people to do stuff for me because I know I can do it myself. But no, I can't do everything myself anymore because there's just not enough time. That's why there are other people in the company that will help you at work and your husband and yaya at home. You just have to figure things out and see which ones you can do and which ones you can't do.
#5. Make time.
When you feel the guilt striking in a little too often than usual, take a day off and spend it with your child or your family intently. If you can't take a day off, try going home a little earlier than usual or allot a weekend just for family time, free of errands and other stuff.
I also take these days to assess where I'd be happier, working or staying at home. And I always end up reaffirming my choice. Sometimes all we need is just a day of cuddling and snuggling.
--
But as Jen said when I asked one of the mama groups we're in, the guilt will never go away, the best we can do is just manage it.
But here I am now, having a hot cup of hibiscus tea and a plate of sticky cinnamon bun while waiting for Mr. T to come off of work. I could have gone home earlier but since it's raining, traffic's bad for sure. I'm not that brave to commute at this time. Instead, I'm going to spend the next hour blogging and reading. Do I feel guilty? No.
Internet, hear me. I'm not guilty. Lol. :P
Ok, sometimes I still do feel guilty but not as much as before. And I know Mr. T has completely different views about this, he already knows that going home an hour or two later than usual is already ok. No need to beat ourselves up for it, just make the most out of it. After reading more about attachment parenting, I have come to realize that spending most (if not all) of my time and energy with and for my daughter brings no balance to my personal and our family life. I have to make time for my husband, myself and other things too. In order for me to do this, I needed to do some changes and I am sharing some of them to you.
It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself. - APIHere it is, some of the things I am currently working on now so I can finally free myself of this working mama guilt.
#1. Acceptance.
I need to work. For the moment, we can't afford a single-income household yet. We are already blessed to be living in my in-laws' house and to be sharing with the bills and all, but we still need to work. I have heard and read advises about how you can live with a much simpler life, identifying needs versus wants. Yes, it is possible but that's not really for us. I'm not saying that we want to live a really grand life (but I really wouldn't mind having one. Lol), but we just want a comfortable and secure one. And for us to be able to do that, we need to be financially stable, like really really stable and sturdy. So cutting our household income in half is really not the best option for us right now.
More than the financial need, it is also for my personal sanity. :P I know I wouldn't know how it really feels like but when I get days off from work and just stay at home, as much as I love attending to my husband and my daughter's needs, I still feel the need to get other things going and functioning.
So when the guilt strikes during your extended work hours, just think of the pros more rather than the cons.
#2. Manage your expectations.
More like lower your expectations. This not only applies to yourself but also to the people around you as well. I didn't realize how much of an OC person I am, until I saw my daughter picking up shoes and slippers and putting them in the rack or making sure no clothes are loosely hanging on a hamper or aligning her dirty clothes hamper and her diaper pail and a lot more. I didn't even teach her these things but still she learned just because she saw me doing it. There were days when I couldn't for the life of me understand how simple instructions and schedules can be lost in translation. I get frustrated, I get exhausted. I am grateful for a husband that allows me to talk endlessly until I realize by myself what went wrong. Now I am managing better because I have lowered my expectations. Instead of tiring myself up from repeating instructions over and over again, I've put up a list and printed it on paper. This way, I only need to make small reminders every now and then.
Being perfect parents and being great parents are totally two different things. Dirty diapers, unkept clothes, insect bites and all those in between are really not much a big of a deal. Because at the end of each day, the most important thing is your baby's growing up healthy and happy.
#3. Be intentional.
Being intentional is being conscious with how you spend your time with your child and your family. There's really not much difference between you at work and you at home but working on your computers or talking on the phone or tinkering with your tablet. Physical presence should be accompanied with your purpose of just spending quality time with your child, playing, reading books and other activities that engage your child. But there should be thoughtfulness in doing that as well. You can sit down and watch your child but your mind can be elsewhere.
When Ava became a toddler, that's when we became more intentional as parents. I've realized that I've been taking less photos and videos of her. Instead I would just sit and watch her do stuff, I am there enjoying our moments.
The amount you spend with your child is not comparable with the quality you put into it.
#4. Delegate.
One of my struggles in life is delegating. Lol. Both at work and at home. I have a hard time asking people to do stuff for me because I know I can do it myself. But no, I can't do everything myself anymore because there's just not enough time. That's why there are other people in the company that will help you at work and your husband and yaya at home. You just have to figure things out and see which ones you can do and which ones you can't do.
#5. Make time.
When you feel the guilt striking in a little too often than usual, take a day off and spend it with your child or your family intently. If you can't take a day off, try going home a little earlier than usual or allot a weekend just for family time, free of errands and other stuff.
I also take these days to assess where I'd be happier, working or staying at home. And I always end up reaffirming my choice. Sometimes all we need is just a day of cuddling and snuggling.
--
But as Jen said when I asked one of the mama groups we're in, the guilt will never go away, the best we can do is just manage it.
Love this article! Especially "being intentional" - so true whether you're at work or at home distracted!
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